Moved to M.D. Anderson Blog Site

Hi all. I have move my blog information to a much friendlier site...M.D. Anderson; https://www.carepages.com/login

Hope to see you there. This one will send emails to you to inform you of any updates.
Love you all
Patti

Two Down.... Ten to Go... All is Good

 First things first... All praises and glory to God our Almighty Father for the miracles He is working in our dear sister Marilyn Crims life. He is leaving His fingerprints on her cancer just as he is leaving them on mine. And for the work He is doing in mine and Laurah Rodger's lives. Healing is abound. What an Amazing, Wonderful, Loving Father we serve. Amen. Amen. Thank You Father...Thank You

   What a wonderful way to end a day of chemotherapy. Getting such wonderful news on Marilyn!!! Today was our 2nd treatment and went without a hitch. I say our because I've come to realize Barry as well as mom and too many more to mention are walking with me down this path. Our "Monday Spa and Date Day with Barry" as a friend named it, was Barry's first time at M.D. Anderson. We did what all men "hate to do" and that is talk about his feelings. LOL. He was very candid and wanted to share his take on the clinic. He commented on how the outside of the cancer center/hospital appeared to be so cold...a metal and glass building that looked like any other building downtown. The minute he walked inside, he noticed the warmth and welcoming atmosphere that permeated within the walls. As a matter of fact, I struck up a conversation with a woman in the parking elevator and we laughed. He relaxed a little at that point.  As large a facility as this, we ran into her two more times and offered each other well wishes and blessings from God.   
  When asked about the many many people he saw there, both men and women, he said he was surprised at the numbers of those stricken with cancer and at the noticable different stages of  the cancers. He told me how he was moved by my compassion for a lady sitting behind us. The incident slipped my mind..though not my heart. What he was referring to was the fact that there was a  sad woman sitting behind us at our first stop in the appointment chain. This is in the diagnostic center for blood drawing, EKG, X-Rays...etc. It is always the most crowded place in the clinic.  I overheard the stress in her voice as she ended a phone call. Then I heard her quietly sobbing. God led me to reach into my Pink Mee Maw bag that accompanies me on every M.D. Anderson trip and pull out a handmade, wooden handheld cross with a prayer card attached. (Made for me by a lovely woman at LCI to hand out at the clinic or wherever He moved me to share the faith of Christ.)I turned and rubbing the woman's back, handed it to her without a word. She had such a sad look in her eyes...the look I remember so well. She saw understanding and love in my eyes. I could tell by the way the sadness in her eyes turned into gratitude. I don't know if this was her first "real" appointment or if she was at the same stage as me. I don't know if she was dealing with breast cancer or some other cancer. I don't even know for sure if it was her cancer she was dealing with or that of a loved one. None of that even crossed my mind. All I know is that He showed me that she was in pain and needed the kind comfort that only He can bring. The kind that He provides for me continously.  I turned back away from her to give her privacy all the while rubbing her shoulder lightly and praying to God for her peace and comfort and her faith. When I completed the soft prayer, I heard her open the baggie that held the cross. I patted her back and removed my hand. When she finished reading the prayer, her sobbing had stopped. I turned and smiled and as she smiled back she showed me how she held the cross in her hand between her fingers just as it was designed to be held. What a O. F.R.O.G moment. As a few seconds went by, I heard her sniffing as if trying to stop her nose from running. I felt her using her sweater sleeve to wipe away her tears. Since I am an old pro now, I knew where to get kleenix. I brought her a couple of sheets. When I handed it to her I didn't see the heartbreaking sadness in her eyes. He had done what He promised to do. He comforted her. Praise to Him for His magnificence. Thank You Father. Thank You for your steadfast love of us. Amen.
  Back to Barry's first day at cancer camp today. He also shared that he noticed how everyone there was somber....all were aware of the fight ahead...and all were there with hope. Like me, he saw this in the large spread of stages people are in with cancer. Some you can tell have been fighting this battle for awhile as indicated by their physical bodies. (Or they have a very aggressive cancer..) Others are like the sweet woman behind me, just beginning to deal with the emotional pain of realizing life is not always 70 years long. I too noticed more somber faces today than usual. Not depressingly somber but more like what Barry called 'Acceptance" faces knowing they have to walk the walk to healing.
   Having Barry there was good but I realized that although comforting, God has equiped me with all I need to face these treatments without him there holding my hand. God has filled that void as He has promised. God knows my heart. Had Barry not ever accompanied me I may have never fully realized just how fully God filled that void. Is He not AWESOME in putting His plans to work??
   The treatment went well. One difference... I slept all but 15 minutes of the treatment!!!! I mean SLEPT solid. When I awoke, it was 10-15 minutes left to the entire 2 hour 15 minute treatment. Not only that; I fell asleep the minute we hit 610 and woke up when we pulled up into our driveway. Barnaby my Frog and my prayer blanket. both from my LCI family, enveloped me in such comfort and peace that sleep was inevitable. No dreams...no restlessness. Just a sound and peaceful sleep. More evidence of prayers being answered on my behalf. Thank you all..from the bottom of my heart... thank you.
   Side effects? Last week I was having severe side effects that I will not mention here. Tonight... not a one!! I had a twinge of muscle pain in my back that I felt this past week and took a mild pain pill. That was 8 hours ago. Not a twinge. Thank You Father for listening to Your children talk with You and accepting their prayers and answering their prayers for relief of pain and healing. I know that You are working in shrinking the tumor. I can feel it. I love You so much God and thank You for the healing blood of Jesus Christ, who loves us as You do. Amen. Amen.
    Again, thank you for your prayers and faithful friendship through this God Season we are walking through. Thank you for the prayers for Barry. He has the words to give me when I falter. God is using Him in a mighty way.
    We ask for continued prayers for Laurah Rodgers... for complete healing and relief of pain and for regaining her strength as she works through her rehab schedule. Also, for Marilyn Crim who is bringing testimony for God's power and might to us all. That He heals the sores in her mouth and throat caused by the extensive chemo and heal them immediately so that she can nourish her body for complete health. We ask this for these ladies and all others that are battling diseases that strive to take away all dignity. We know in You Father, we have dignity. We are Your children. How more dignified can we be?
We also ask a special blessing to fall over all those in prayer with you God. That You keep their conviction to you alive Father..continuing to awaken their Spirit. We pray that their relationship with You gets stronger each day as they walk through the days that You have given us. We thank You Father and look with anticipation for Great things in these childrens' lives. Amen. Alleulia!! Amen
Loving you all as Christ loves others,
Patti

Dinged and Damaged

           Making a fashion statement is not something that I will ever be accused of doing in this life. (I feel pretty safe in making this statement.) When it comes to choosing new outfits I rely on the “dummy” on display…who by the way is always at least 7 sizes smaller than me.  The same can be said of my jewelry selection. I tend to go with silver for two reasons; It can be worn with basically anything and I have always liked silver jewelry. When I made the choice a few years ago to walk with Christ on a full time basis, I found myself being very happy wearing a simple silver chain with a little square flat shiny silver medallion with a cross stamped on it and the word Faith written across the square metal. Whenever an occasion called for me to wear costume jewelry I would keep my Faith necklace on and tuck it under my blouse. The times this trick wouldn’t work, I would find myself removing my beloved necklace with a heavy heart and putting it back on as soon as I got home. There was/is no superstition behind the wearing of this necklace nor is their “faith” attached to this material object. As a matter of fact there are no mysterious or awe inspiring circumstances surrounding this piece of metal. I remember seeing it on a jewelry rack at Kohl’s one day, liked it, and bought it. I simply liked it. Little did I know that the “value” of this rather inexpensive object would show itself years later while I walk on my Passionate Path in facing the trials of cancer.

    Last year while using a mixture of bleach and water, I sprayed the house and the shop. After a couple of days of this chore, I realized that the bleach, having soaked my clothes, landed on and damaged my little necklace. I tried rinsing it off with clean water to no avail. The damage was permanent. I was disappointed because even by my standards of jewelry, I could not be seen wearing something so obviously dinged and damaged. What would people think about me?

   Since the confirmation of my breast cancer diagnosis on December 26, 2011, I have been wearing a necklace with a cross given to me by a sweet young child at church. When the all the medical tests began I was unable to wear any neck jewelry. The surgery to place the port in my chest extended the time for me to go necklaceless. (I think I just made up that word.) Thanks be given to God for the answered prayers of my dear brothers and sisters in Christ for all the healings including my chest area from the surgery. Yesterday, I found myself preparing to put on the gift from my little friend when I spied my Faith necklace. It was on top of my jewelry box seemingly lying in wait. Looking at the scarred surface the thought came to me; I am dinged and damaged. As I thought ahead to the hair loss and other bodily disorders caused by my treatment, I was wondering how I would face people. How would I appear to them when I have no hair and other damaged body parts? Then I understood the value of my necklace as only God could intend and it has nothing to do with its monetary value or how it looks around my neck. Rather it has everything to do with not being ashamed of anything that God does not find shame in. He does not find shame in my appearance with or without cancer. He does not concern Himself with superficial things such as types of clothes, hair styles, shoes, necklaces… What He DOES find shame in, is my putting needless worries over things that have nothing to do with my being obedient to Him….things like, what will people think of my baldness…..my weakened state…my scarred necklace. In other words, the value of my Faith necklace is the spirit shown me by God…. Although I am dinged and damaged….I am beautiful to Him.

I thank you Father for the blessings that You give to me, the most undeserving of all your children, through the answered prayers of my Christ family. I praise You and give You all glory for the people You have placed in my life who, through faithful prayer, continue to replenish my Spirit in this fight. I ask Father that you bless all of my First Presbyterian family and those who share their gifts of love in Barry’s and my journey with cancer; those who do so openly and those who do so anonymously, for I know… they are not anonymous to You for You are the All Knowing, All Loving, Victor over All, the Great Physician, and my Wonderful Councilor. I love You Father… Abba.. and I Praise Your Name above all others, now and forever. Amen. Alleulia!!! Amen.

With Love In and Through Christ,

Patti Steele

Taken by Surprise? Not Him...

   Tuesday, the day after what a dear friend called "my day of spa" and "movies", aka (chemo treatment), I was brought back down to the reality of the cancer treatment. ( I am referring to my previous blog about the luxuries provided during chemotherapy.) I was taken by surprise at the severity of the effects one of which was pain under my rib cage on the right side of my back. I was told by everyone that "usually" after a treatment the side effects don't show up until the third day or so. Well, I must be the exception because the not so pretty effects occurred by the time I go home that night.
   Although I was not prepared for the suddeness or the severity of the treatment, God was. On my way home from Houston I called Barry to let him know that the first treatment was complete and Leslie and I were on our way home. He informed me that he too was on his way home having just been laid off due to material shortage. My immediate thought was of dread and fear about finances. I didn't say that to Barry thinking it was nothing he could change. As soon as I hung up the phone, Lesilie, sensing my concern, voiced how this was wonderful news. Barry was going to be home with me and what a time to have him. She also said how it was in His plan. What a truthful statement. Barry being home at this precise time was no doubt God's response to what He knew I would need.
   I may have been taken by surprise.... but thankfully.. He wasn't. Our God is an Awesome God.
Prayers and Thoughts are filling my life with such blessings. Thank you all.
Love and blessings
Patti

First Treatment...et al.

  I feel compelled to write and share about exactly what my chemotherapy reigime is all about because it is such a "dark" secret no matter what websites I Google or to whom I speak regarding this area of cancer. It's not a purposeful "dark secret" but rather a "gotta be there to "get it""kinda secret. All experiences are different for each patient and the experiences I have read about or had gathered from conversations, speak of experiences happening later in treatments; not from the onset. This led me to the need to write down my take  on the matter while it is fresh on my mind. Please humor me in this as this may be one of very few "comical" takes on the treatment of cancer in relation to chemotherapy.
Picture this:
Scene 1: Doctor's office Patti and her precious daughter-in-law- Leslie - sitting in the doctor's office at M. D. Anderson. In walks a new face, a young lady named Cara who introduces herself as one of the representatives/support person, for me as a participant in the clincal trial. She is very personable, sweet, and compassionate....as are all I have met in this GIANT facility... Cara commences to ask questions... ALL kinds of questions. Upon her departure she informs me that as part of the chemo, I will be administered the following drugs:
1. 15 minutes of benadryl...to ward off any possible allergic reactions to the Taxol - (nighty night)
2. 15 minutes of steroids - to ward off infections in and around my medi-port.(Causes sleeplessness at night and a great increase in appetite..... like I really needed that right?? - Watch out Wendy's.)
3. 15 minutes of some drug that lines my stomach to protect it from the toxicity of the Taxol.
4. Wait 30 minutes....( I slept of course)
5. Taxol for 60 minutes.
All this is fed to me through the port in my chest. One needle stick in the port  feeds  the juices directly to my juglar vein in my neck. (Not as bad as it sounds.)

Oh..speaking of "fed"...did I mention Cara's departing words to me?? " The steroids will give you a ravenous appetite...EAT!!" I had to laugh out loud... I gained 30 pounds since last April and told her so. I said that appetite was NOT a problem. She seriously said, EAT. DO NOT LOSE WEIGHT.
Well, who am I to disobey and order like that?? Funny she told me that on the one day I had no appetite. The only reason I ate later was to avoid nausea from the treatment.


Scene 2: The infusion clinic- A literal beehive of activity and of "cells." I call them cells because, like a honeycomb...they are everywhere!!! If a prisoner has a cell like this, all I can say is LOCK ME UP!!! The "cell" is the size of about 1/2 of a regular hospital room. It has a comfortable hospital bed with all the bells and whistles....I know cause I pressed every button. Head up,head down, feet up, feet down, sometimes at the same time. :) A t.v. remote with...are you ready???? my choice of several newly released movies!!! Wow!!! In the waiting room I noticed that "regulars".... you can tell by the lack of hair...were eating before treatment. It occured to me that I hadn't eaten anything but a slice of bread early this morning. I asked the attending nurse if eating was a good thing to do before treatment. She replied with a resounding YES. I replied with a resounding OH! OH! No sooner was the OH OH out of my mouth that a young woman mysteriously appeared with a menu sporting a host of delictable items to choose from. Not wishing to appear "over eager", you know, my first time and all, I settled for a turkey and american cheese sandwich which arrived 10 minutes later on a huge roll, lettuce and tomato, chips, and a homenade lemon cookie...2 to be exact. The fresh fruit was the last to go...but go it did.  Heated blankets were layed over me. I remained fully clothed so was quite comfortable. Leslie was craving a milkshake like the one she had on Friday from Dyers ...which by the way is somewhere in M.D. Anderson. I wished her well, began my lunch, and took a deep sigh. Okay... I was dreading chemo...why??? Oh yea!! Cancer. They sure made it as doable as possible.
Scene 3 - The attending nurse came in, started the treatment and within 20 minutes I was in the Goodnight Louise state of mind only to awaken with about 45 minutes or so left of the treatment. I missed the entire movie that Leslie had opted to watch!! I have got to come up with a plan to stay awake long enough to catch a good movie. Needle was flushed...removed...bandaged..then I was patted on the behind and told, "See you next week." Simple as that. Oh. I almost forgot. My phone was dead. I didn't bring a charger thinking this would be a short day. Leslie asked one of the nurses if he happened to have a charger. He brought his, saw that if fit my phone, and let me charge my phone all through the treatment. How cool is that???
Scene 4 - 5:00 PM Downtown Houston Leslie is becoming an expert at 5:00 traffic in Houston. I'm impressed. People are so friendly...just waving and letting us cut in places. (I was told by some M.D. Anderson staff when I reported how considerate the Houston drivers were, that I needed to look close at the hands that were waving and be sure that they are actually "waving" the entire hand. I choose to just go on believing that they are in fact using all five digits when waving in appreciation for my courteous "thank you" wave. On our trip home I received a call from Barry informing methat he and all of the night crew was laid off due to lack of material to begin the job. Of course, he was disappointed but our faith does and will continue to prevail. If my having cancer has a purpose then by George, so will his employment situation. I can't believe He has a purpose in one thing and then doesn't in another can I?
Scene 5 - Home at last Part 1. When I was safely delivered to our home, I did my usual routine of checking the mail. A neighbor who doesn't ever approach me or Barry to talk, not out of rudeness, he is just a very private person, met me at the mailbox and asked how my visits with M.D. Anderson was going. (He lost his wife a few months ago to cancer.) I shared with him the fact that treatments have started and that I have what they consider a "high risk" cancer meaning that there is a high risk of reocurring elsewhere in my body. I told him that these are MAN"S words...not GOD"s. This statement was shared with me by a beautiful Christian woman when she gave me a quick embrace at church Sunday. What a statement to whisper in my ear. A God statement and I thank her with all my heart for allowing God to speak through her. I love you friend...you know who you are.
Scene 6- Home at last Part 2- When I entered our home, carting the mail with me in hand, I began to sort through it. There, among advertisements was an envelope containing the love offering in the form of a check from the EverRibbon website that Jeannie began for me and Barry in support of the extra expenses that would be incurred during this Passionate Path. If that wasn't enough to humble me, another envelope contained a receipt of deposit for reimbursement from my cancer policy for a few expenses. Wow!! All is HIS timing. I humbly gave and continue to give Him all the glory and all the praise for the provisions He has made through His children here on earth. Barry's and my deepest gratitude to you all.
Scene 7 - Bedroom - He led me to open my bible and He brought me to Pslam 71. I inserted Marilyn's name in all the pray-er's places and the word 'cancer" in all the evil spots. What a powerful prayer to pray for my sister Marilyn who by God's hands will be healed. I prayed at the same time the Elders from our Church was praying with Marilyn and her family at her home. Praise to You Father. Amen.

 In closing: (at last right?)A few side effects later, not to be mentioned here, are mild. Barry walking in the door, I fell in his arms for a warm embrace, comforting him in his time of confusion and anxiety about his job. We reaffirmed our belief that from all things God has good planned. All is a learning experience...an O.F.R.O.G.

Your most appreciative and grateful sister in Christ, in my "First Treatment, et.al.
God bless,.

It is with much sadness...

After such a wonderful day spent with friends and family, I am taken by surprise at the sadness that overcomes me this evening. For the first time in a long while I find silent tears falling down my face. The bed feels especially empty tonight with Barry gone and I miss the wisdom and the encouraging words that I received several times a day from my dear and blessed friend who is now suffering the ravages of cancer. How sudden things change for us..... for me. I hurt for my friend, I hurt for her family and all who love her, I hurt for me....for the lonliness.... for this sudden pain in my friends life and the lives of her loved ones. I will lose myself in scripture tonight in search of the comfort that I know awaits me there and pray for the wisdom of discernment in my feeble efforts to understand. I pray for the knowledge that He does not intend me to understand all things...and for the faith to give back to Him all the attempts I make to "rationalize" what is happening. In faith I must remain true to His will of obedience and unconditional love. Just now while writing this it hit me just how unconditionally I do love Him. He has given me the grace, that can only come from Holy Spirit, to love Him no matter what happens to me and to those around me. Do I feel sad? Yes. Do I feel pain? Yes. Do I sometimes feel a hopelessness? Yes. Do I ever blame God or turn away from Him? No. I stray into humaness by trying to control things in my life, but I never blame nor take God completely out of the picture. THAT is surely His power...nothing to do with who or what I am. Thank You Father.. I love You.
   God has answered so many prayers that continue to be lifted up to Him on my behalf. The one most prevalent now is the peace that just fell over me; the comfort He has laid upon me. Thank you, whoever you are, for the prayers of peace and comfort. He is listening to His children. Alleluia Dear Father. Alleluia.
Amen. Goodnight

Covered in Blessings

Barry and I look forward to Sunday service every week. I am so thankful that my personal desire to attend has grown to be much more than the "feel good" about attending that I began with early in my relationship with Christ. ( I can't speak for Barry but I'd bet the farm that he feels the same way.) Over the past 6 years as a member of First Presbyterian Church of Orange, the fellowship from the faithful congregation, has lead to a growth in faith that cannot be matched. He allowed me to face some challenges and has both humbled and strengthened me in the process. Our Almighty God has shown me that His path is not always about "feeling good" about things but rather about delving into His word to use as both a weapon against both the flagrant evil and the subtle evil that surrounds us and as a foundation of strength to speak boldly of the mysteries of His gospels. I see this strength and feel this strength from those with whom I worship with at First Pres. Today, during service and at the community meal, I felt the love and the outpouring of faithful prayers layed at the foot of the cross for my healing and for the encouragement for Barry through this ordeal.
Thank You God, thank You Father. You are the One Provider Who loves me beyond all measure.
Amen. Amen.
  Tomorrow is the day for my first treatment. The prayers of others are being answered in the strength He provides and the comfort.

Post Medi-Port Implant

Barry came home this weekend as scheduled. It is so nice having him here especially in the evenings. We are thinking that he will be able to come home for the next couple of weekends at least. That knowledge brings a smile to my face. I wonder if he will be home when my hair loosens and begins to fall. I'll have to ask him before he leaves Sunday whether or not he wants to be here when I have a head shaving party. As unappetizing as it sounds, I still want to at least offer him to be a part of as much as this Path as possible. Guess what!!!!??? Thanks to a friend from my MMT class, I now have SKYPE!! Not only do I have it, I used it to Skype with my daughter and  family this morning. How cool is that??? I'm hoping to use this form of communication to allow her and my grandkids to share the metamorphis that I will undergo with chemotherapy. That way no one will be shocked when visiting in person. Holly, my daughter, has taken up crochetting. (spelling?) She will attempt to make me a hat. I was telling a friend that since Holly is a beginner I may be wearing a hat as a sweater. LOL I like the idea of having something so personal against my scalp. Also, a friend of mine from S. Carolina who sews is making me some head scarves. What a neat idea!! I've shared with you before that I bought some hats. I like them but am so excited about having something made for me with love from friends and family.
 The medi-port surgery Thursday went well. I am a bit sore but nothing unbearable. I really took the doctor's advice and rested..totally rested. I took a short trip today and decided it was a bit too soon. I'll lay low tomorrow after church. I am so thankful for my daughter-in-law and her willingness to drag me to my treatments beginning Monday. She has been through this with her mother and is well versed in how to prepare for the day. She is excellent company and a joy to be around. She looks at this ministry as an opportunity to do God's work. What a blessing it is to nurture a relationship with Leslie. Just one more good thing to come out of this cancer. Thank you Father.
  I now have a "lump" of a different sort under my skin on my chest. It feels quite odd and not as threatening as the tumor. The tumor is painful and noticeable. Because of the size, M.D. Anderson's professional opinion is to do the chemotherapy first, see if we can shrink the tumor, then do the surgery with radiation. I was told that although the first 3 months of chemo will be rough, the last 3 months' cocktail will be expodentially worse in side effects. (Sometimes I wonder if it would be best for them to keep that kind of information to themselves until the patient actually experiences the side-effects??) Knowledge is power right? If God is with us, who can stand against us?
   My little frog friend given to me by a special group of teachers on my campus, now has a name. His name is Barnaby. This name, in Hebrew, translates to "comfort." I thought how fitting!! I found myself talking to this cute little guy while riding with Barry today as he completed some errands. Barnaby came in handy for supporting my left arm, the side the medi-port was placed. (They placed the port on the opposite side of the side with the tumor.) I will include a picture of him in my truck.
   Monday will find me once again in Houston where I feel right at home. I will report to a section that specializes putting the invusion needle into my port then I will report to the area in the clinic that administers the chemo. I pray that the first treatment allows me to return to work on Tuesday to finish out the week.
   A very dear friend of mine and a spiritual mentor to me was diagnosed with liver cancer this past week. I find myself wrapped up in prayer and meditation for her and once again in the realization of  just how devastating cancer can be to our lives and the lives of all around us. Families are brought to places that seem to be hopeless. They struggle to find something.. anything to do to make us better. All control that we thought we had, is taken away from all involved. Without our dependance on God I don't know what we would do..where would we go? Knowing that we don't have all the answers to the whys and hows but God does, somehow makes the journey a little easier. If I thought for a moment that this cancer was a result of something I did or didn't do in the sight of God, then that would mean I could buy God's favor which strongly goes against His word. He GAVE me His Grace through His Son Jesus Christ. Through Jesus I am redeemed. If I don't believe that, then I am telling God that I think He is a liar. Aint happening on my shift... I guarantee. My prayers tonight are for my dear friend for complete and utter healing by the hands of our great Father. She is a faithful servant and I have no doubt that He is pleased with her. He is holding her in His hand. I love You Father..Abba. Amen

  Oh... I just got a Skype invitation from Holly. All the kids were there and I was able to model my hats. What fun. Thank You God for all I have in my life and the knowledge that all is Yours. Thank You for the people You have strategically placed in my Path who do Your will. Goodnight Abba, Goodnight King.. Goodnight Almighty God who lives in all of us. Amen. Alleluia Amen

Delay in Treatment

It was a crazy day in cancerland today, yet, peace was abound in me. My daughter in law, Leslie, arrived at 3:15 AM and we hit the road to M. D. Anderson. 5:30 AM, we are sitting in a waiting area. The surgery putting the port in my chest, went extremely well. Both Leslie and I fell in love with Dr. Brown, the surgeon. (He warned me that he played Frank Sinatra music while in surgery.) I was awake for the beginning of the surgery just long enough to say "ouch" three times. That's all I remember except for the tune, "Unforgettable" that was playing during the procedure. We arrived home at around 8:30 PM. I am quite sore where they made the incision but other than that, I'm good. I am hoping to get a full night's sleep tonight.
   I was told. at the end of the day, that the test results needed to determine which arm of the clinical trial I would be on, did not arrive as expected. My first chemotherapy, with Taxol, will be either this Monday or next Thursday. Of course my first reaction was that I wanted to start treating this growth that is in my chest immediately. Then, while talking with Barry on the phone, He put it on my heart that He has a purpose. I am looking forward to what I will witness in the days before I begin treatment. I already met one lady due to the delay in my treatment. She told me that she was treated with Taxol, the same amount of time that I am scheduled to receive it and guess what??? She did NOT lose her hair. The hair loss came in the final 3 months in the much more toxic part of the chemo. Had it not been for the delay, I would not have still been in the waiting room and would not have struck up a conversation with this woman. What a blessing it was to meet her. A faithful servant of God.
   I found the same peaceful atmosphere at my home away from home that I alluded to in my last posting. He is found all over that place.
Love to all through Christ
Patti

Strange Place to Find Peace

  Entering M.D. Anderson at 6:00 AM this morning was one of the most peaceful times I had since this Passionate Path began. I know people are praying for me but I don't know the "particulars" of those prayers. When I shared a part of my story below with a couple of dear friends one replied that she and others were praying for my peace on arriving at the clinic today. That explained that!!! Thank You Father!!
   The garage where I park, is very well lit and open. I have never felt any apprehension entering or exiting my vehicle even when I was the only one there. I exit elevator P-2 stepping into a "skywalk" that leads to several different medical facilities; one being the Mays Cancer Clinic where I spend 90% of my time with appointments. Arriving so early I have the place almost entirely to myself for about 30 minutes. A security guard passes me and smiles a beautiful smile as he says good morning to me. As I approach elevator U, my elevator of choice this morning, I pass a couple of other people. That is when the thought hit me of how peaceful it was there. A comfort like I have never known washed over me with the realization that this is where I belong... where He wants me. How many people can say "I know where God wants me to be?"  What a blessing.
    A woman with a missing leg due to cancer left her husband  trailing behind her as she moved herself with her remaining leg around a breakfast buffet, two women, both hairless from chemo, laughing about their attempts to tie a scarf around the other's head ,another woman, sitting near them smiling at their antics, a husband sleeping in a recliner while his wife "people watched", patients coming into the waiting area where I was sitting making themselves right at home as if it were their home, a young man sitting nervously awaiting what must have been his "first" day appointments,  all seemed normal and calming to me. I belonged here!!! This is where HE placed me. Since HE placed me here, it confirmed the truth that HE has a purpose. I did not stand out as a cancer patient. We are ALL cancer patients and WE are all there with the hope of survival. I found a sisterhood and a brotherhood that has a strong foundation in faith. What an opportunity for Spiritual growth!!! Thank You Father for the blessing of cancer!! Only You could turn this into grace. I love You!
  After my final test, I went to the hospitality room for a cup of decaf coffee. I later realized I stopped there because I was not ready to leave this peace and comfort that surrounded me.There were two men there clowning around. I could tell they were friends. I was brought into the conversation and of course had some smart remarks to make about the topic they were discussing. When I reached for a cup, one of the men stopped me and said that it was his job to serve everyone who walked through that door. I was taken aback, smiled, and said, "Well, get to it." LOL I noticed that both were clad in a light blue blazer but didn't think anything of it. The elderly man that started the joking asked if I was the patient or a family member. I told him that I was a patient and that my treatments were to begin tomorrow. He and the other younger man both formally welcomed me and said,"We are here for you, having been through it ourselves." They then informed me that they were volunteers and that the only way they could wear the "blue blazers" were if they were current or former cancer patients. I was wowed to say the least. One of these gentlemen was from the Jewish council and was visiting patients in a pastoral mode. He is HILARIOUS!!! He has my sense of humor!! My great grandfather was a Jewish Rabbi and this gentleman was well versed in the history of Jewish "tribes" that hailed from the area where my late relative resided. We three sat and talked about all types of things as if we had known each other all our lives. Not once did cancer even enter my mind or the conversation. Finally I had to leave. I hugged both of them and told them I would see them again. There is no doubt in my mind that regardless of the hundreds of people they greet each day, that when we meet next time, we will start off right where we left off!!! God has put such a deep love for every single person I meet, staff and patients included, at this facility. I know that this comes from answered prayers because only God's grace, mercy, and love produce something so beautiful and magnificent out of something so vile like cancer. Thank you all for your unfailing faithful prayers. He loves the conversations He is having with each of you.
  This afternoon I am to call the clinic between the hours of 5 and 7 to get the time of my medi-port surgery. Today the nurses explained the procedure and told me the name of the surgeon, Dr. Brown, who has done well over 5,000 of the types of port they will place in my chest. This will cut down on the number of needle sticks I'll receive each week. I'm all for that!!! Following the surgery there will be a 3 day rest period of not lifting anything over 20 pounds or moving around too much. I will take this time to relax and read.
  Again, thank you all for your support and love. God is with each of us and is showing His face to me several times a day.
Tommorrow will be my first treatment. I am ready to begin in what seems like a "Strange Place to Find Peace."

Fear

  I was in the beginning of prayer and reflection when a feeling of fear came over me. Our prayer warriors have been lifting a dear young woman for healing from cancer for well on a year now. Miracles have been occuring in her life along with difficult struggles from the side effects of chemo... many of which I may soon be living through. The fear of facing what she is living with at this moment  wrapped itself around me like a dark cold black glove. For a minute...a short minute... I forgot about what our dear friend was living through and worried about what I MIGHT be going through soon. Shame on me!!!! If that is not the epitomy of selfishness I don't know what is!!! In today's devotional, a gift that arrived unexpectedly in the mail last week, I read something Billy Graham had said; "Whatever you love most, be it sports, pleasures, business, or God, that is your god." Just before reading this statement I had read what Paul had said when he addressed the Philippians in Philippians 1:9- "And I pray this; that your love will keep on growing in knowledge and every kind of discernment, so that you can determine what really matters and can be pure and blameless in the day of Christ." It is exactly this discernment that He laid on me when I read the statement from Billy Graham. When I accepted the fear of what might be to come I dishonored God by doubting His grace and I made "me" the god. (My Bridge City Bible Study girls, the NOGS, call this the god with a little "g".) I lost sight of "what really matters" even if it was for just a few minutes. I ask forgiveness for my weaknesses Father and I thank You for Your loving heart. It is only in Your word that I can grow in my relationship with You and be fed the milk of Your knowledge. Thank you Father.
Please pray with me for our sister in Christ, Tammy by reading along with me and others as;
 we lift Tammy up for complete healing that can only come from the grace of the Holy Spirit which lives in all of us. As children of God, we pray to You, our Brother Jesus, for Divine intervention on behalf of our sister in Christ, Tammy, who lives faithfully by Your Word in obedience in thoughts, in words, and in action. We ask that Your Almighty powerful hands wash her and baptize her anew and that her body align with Your healing will. May her family be comforted in the peace that dwells in us through Your Spirit. This is asked with the love and faith for Our great Physician, Our Prince of Peace, Jesus, the Christ who died so that we may live. Your word tells us that when two or more are gathered, You will heed our prayers. We look with great anticipation to the great works You will perform for Tammy at this moment Father, tomorrow, and forever. Amen... We love You.. Amen.

The Mad Hatter

Saturday, today, marked yet another milestone on my Passionate Path. The hats I ordered to wear during/after my hair loss arrived in a large, white, simply sealed envelope. There were no fanfares nor special bells and whistles attached.Mixed emotions stirred in me. I say mixed emotions because I was looking for the arrival of this package with anticipation ever since I placed the order on the TLC website, yet when they arrived, a sadness came over me. I didn't want to touch the package. This lasted all of 30 seconds...an unopened package in the mail? That's like laying a bag of M & M's in front of a child and instructing them not to touch it. I opened it, not with a heart of a child getting a gift, but rather more like a woman with cancer facing another reality about the inevitable. The fatigue that I have been fighting since March/April of last year has worsened and we all know how difficult it is to keep your "chin up" when tired. It is in these exact moments that O- FROGs are most needed as well as the circumstances below on which I speak.
  I heard something the other day; All Christians will be persecuted ( Written several times in the bible,) but not all Christians will be persecuted in the same way). There are humans being tortured and killed in manners we would never imagine because they refuse to give up their faith in Christ. Here in America , we are being persecuted in much more subtle ways yet still just as destructive: Television shows, apathy towards sexual immorality, peer pressures, consumed by life's schedule to the point where God is last,etc...all try to deviate us from the path that He has laid before us. I never thought about how different being a Christian made us. Anything that is different from a society's "norm" will be a target by the secular world to try to force them to conform. Fear of financial downfall in the U.S. is another ploy used by the evil one to destroy Christianity. God led me to read Job and I thought it was because of the suffering Job had endured in such faith. I quickly realized that my cancer was nothing compared to what this saintly man lived through. Although this is a good message to receive from the reading...reminder that my sufferings do not compare to the suffering of others such as Christ Himself, the main message that He laid on my heart was one that told me; When I believe totally in God and live a faithful life according to His word, it will not exclude me from pain and suffering. It's natural to question God's purposes, but ultimately it's how I stand on faith, that determines whether or not the subtleness of satan takes over. Job's friends lost favor from God because they judged Job and did not give God credit for knowing what He was doing. I am so very blessed to be working in an environment that does not persecute but rather supports my Christian life.
  The moral of my "Mad Hatter" experience? Satan get behind me....your subtle attempt to place dread and fear in my heart did not take root because the seed from Christ was planted long before you had a chance. I've been nurturing God's seed of faith through the Holy Spirit several times daily with the choices of music I listen to, the choices of television shows that enter through my eyes and ears, the type of people that I choose to surround myself with and most importantly the saturation of God's word that can only come from reading the bible. Thank You Almighty Father for the wisdom of discernment You give me to recognize the evil one and his attempts to undermine what You have done and continue to do in my life. You are the most High, the most Exalted, the most Holy One, Abba. Amen.. Alleuia! Amen...
As for the hats, they hold no power of fear over me. As a matter of fact, I will look quite chic in them.
Loving My God and you,
Patti

God's Plans

  My first day back with the faculty since my adventures at M.D. Anderson occured today. I felt an uncertainty wash over me as my vehicle ate up the distance between my house and school. Unable to put this feeling into words that would give me clarity as to why I was feeling this way, I gave it to God. (Yes, I still hold on to things a bit longer than necessary before turning them over to Him, who waits patiently for my gifts.) How much love does He have for me that he actually looks upon my burdens as gifts to Him. When I let go of concerns/burdens, He sees this as an exercise in faith....and boy does that please my Father. This reminds me of the words to a song that I love: "How many Kings step down from their throne? How many Lords have abandoned their homes? How many Fathers give up their Sons for me? Only one did that for me..."     In God's hands I turned into the school parking lot and made my way to my classroom. We were to all meet at 8:00AM to get instructions for the day's activities. When I entered my classroom I found a huge package on my desk. I was like a little kid when I tore into it. There layed a beautiful mauve robe that is as soft as my Scabbers belly. Along with the robe were nice comfortable slippers. Two of my special teacher friends presented me with this wonderful ensemble and I smiled from ear to ear. (Apprension was easing a bit. I felt I was at home.)
    My principal began the "meeting" with a brief heartfelt opening statement expressing the love and prayers that were being offered for me daily. Then she handed me a gift card, generously funded by my fellow brothers and sisters on campus to help with expenses that come with my Passionate Path walk. A blanket was made for me with each knot tied representing someone at school tying and praying for my healing. The blanket is covered with butterflies which a dear friend reminded me represented angels from a book she had read. The blanket, unbeknownst to Kelly who purchased the material, is  made up of my favorite colors - green and purple. The cards I received for my birthday and encouragement had me speechless.  My principal then made the announcement that everyone on our campus offered up a personal day to drive me to my treatments if needed. Although I still hold firm to not wishing to share the physical changes I am facing with my friends, the thought that they would  consider giving up their hard earned days to do that for me makes me breathless. Then 4th grade sisters presented me with a Care Package that I didn't get to "play" in  until late this evening. Everything in there will be used during my treatments. The hugs, the personal testimonies, the special gift from a friend who felt it in her heart to part with something that she had held on to for several years with the thught that it will be a comfort to me. She was right. The fear of facing everyone knowing that I have cancer would have had me miss the witnessing of such a caring group of people. When I asked the question of "How can I ever thank you enough?" I was greeted with the response.."Just get well."
With God's hands all over this... failure is not an option. I love you all
Patti

I'm Ready....I'm Set......

and I'm ready to go!! As a fellow cancer patient shared with me... it's the wait that is the hardest part. I have a sense of that "wait" anxiety. Today especially, I found myself exhausted, ansy and unfocused and utterly disorganized. All I wanted  was to get home, jump in my jammies, and shut down....find some stillness. Well, as it is with best laid plans...... I'm sure everyone knows the rest of that line. I received a call from M.D. Anderson right smack in the middle of handling a situation that without God's presence would have been an episode rather than an O.F.R.O.G. moment. All this to say, I am now in my warm booties, gift from some special ladies, in my jammies with a full belly and my Scabbers is laying next to me all warm and fuzzy.  Still the unrest is with me. As Scabbers snuggles up even closer against me I breathe easier and put some thought behind my anxiety. What has me so uneasy is the lack of control in this situation. Then God reminded me, in His personal way, that I never had control over anything to begin with so why would I think I have control now over the cancer? is this a DUH moment or what? I thank Him for His gentle push on me when I try to mash all the buttons in the cockpit. He reminds me that He is the pilot and I am His vessel. I praise Him for that honor and thank Him for His unfailing love of me.
  The call from M.D. Anderson this afternoon surprised me. I am to have my medi-port surgically implanted Thursday, January 26th. I am to go for a pre-op visit early Wed. morning on the 25th. I will spend the night at Dolores' house Tuesday evening so that I will have a short trip to M.D. I should be home back in Orange by 2 PM Wednesday preparing for my trip back Thursday for the actual procedure and chemo.
I must state here that part of His being in control includes giving me a "Pollyanna" outlook at times.

Pollyanna Views: Positives about my Passionate Path with Cancer:
1. Showed me the measure of my faith.
2. Opened heartfelt conversations between God and many members of my family as well as among ourselves.
3. Opened doors to allow mine and others' Christ Light to shine.
4. Led to relationships with many people I would not have ordinarily known.
5. Gave a reality check to priorities in life and just how many blessings I truly have in my life.
6. Eye witness to many many many miracles all from the result of my circumstances.
7. Feelings of closeness to Christ as my Brother and God as my Father.
8. Have doctors at the most famous cancer center responding to my emails within 24 hours...more often than not much quicker.
9. Friendships strengthened and some formed.
10. Prepared me for much deeper praying for healing for those around me who are in need.
11. Gave me the go ahead for the past two weeks to eat Wendy's hamburgers, french fries, and Frostys.
12. Too many more to mention....
Thank you Father for settling my mind and my heart. I pray for a restful sleep tonight putting on my heart the knowledge that You will never forsake me. As the words to my favorite song by the Casting Crowns say;
Living You loved me
Dying You saved me
Buried You carried... my sins far away
Rising You justified.... freely forever
One day He's coming.... Oh Glorious Day... Oh Glorious Day..

Love you and goodnight,
Patti

O- FROG with Love

Travelers with me now and when I begin chemo: THANK you LCI family!! Love you all.

No Stuffing Scabbers

Thanks to the abundant generosity of my LCI family, Scabbers "Da Cat", is spared from the possibilty of being stuffed. (He was to be my source of comfort during treatments at M.D. Anderson.) I am now in the possession of a beautiful huge stuffed FROG that is just as soft as Scabbers and has beautiful eyes that I can look into. Along with that came a blanket that is tied with knot. Each knot was tied by a family member of LCI while a prayer was said for my healing and well being. Oh my. These items and so much more will be accompanying me on my trips for treatments. The gifts I received yesterday are too numerous to list but the one that cannot go without being mentioned is the gift of love and support. You see, this was my first day back at school since my M.D. Anderson experience. As my truck ate up the miles between my home and school I became more anxious. I couldn't find words to tell myself why I was feeling this way...this was my family away from family. There should not have been an anxious bone in my body. Driving down Allie Payne, I gave it to God. (Yes.. I still hold on to things longer than necessary before giving it to my Loving Father.) He loves me so much and welcomes my pains and burdens as gifts. Strange thing to ask for in return for sacrificing His Son. Before I can give Him my burdens, I have to submit to the fact that He alone, can carry them. This demonstrates faith in Him....and that is all He asks for. "Mustard seed of faith will move mountains." Faith comes in hearing and hearing through the word of God. Once faith moves in, the love of God is inevitable. Man, He sure has a great plan for us; right down to the tiniest faction.
  I had only two tearful O FROG moments at school and continous tiny O FROG moments. I'm realizing that I remain in the O FROG moment more and more each passing day and it is wonderful. This is God's intention; for me to always have Opportunities to Fully Rely on God, and I am so thankful for that gift.
   The decision as to whether or not I will remain at work throughout this ordeal will be a one day at a time decision depending on how my body reacts to the chemotherapy. I hope to continue for as long as possible without risking my immune system. Reading the "precautions" on Taxol, the main drug I will be adminstered through Chemo, I am warned to stay away from any persons who have colds, fevers, sores, etc. I was also told not to "hug" the students and to avoid students/teachers that were ill. Hmmmm. Me not hugging kids is like me not eating. Ain't happening. Again, I will do my part in my healing that needs to be done so that I can come back in 6 months and be better than ever.
   I feel I need to dispel a myth at this time: There is absolutely no research based evidence- including M.D. Anderson's expertise data- that supports the idea that breast implants cause breast cancer. I was surprised to find that many women and men believe that there is a connection. There is none. I was asked if I regretted having the enhancement surgery that I had a year ago. I give a resounding NO!!! Had I not opted to have the surgery I am pretty sure I would have not had the mammogram. (I have a tendency to skip a couple of years between mammos because I just knew I would never have breast cancer.) If I would've missed last year's mammogram, they would not have been able to determine how fast a growing cancer it is that I have.God is in all circumstances and His fingerprints are constantly left behind. I love Him so.
With Barry working away, I still call on a phrase a dear friend shared with me after church service; "Barry's absence is not greater than God's presence." This holds true for the cancer, anxiety, etc. His presence is truly greater than all else. I am so honored and humbled by my friendship with Dolores, who is truly a blessed constant in my life as is her family, the love of my mom as only a mother can love, the love and support of Barry, as only a good man/husband can love, and last but by no measure least, the love, support, and understanding of my pray-ers which includes my LCM family, church family, and network of friends around Texas and the United States. I thank you and pray with you for both my trials and for any trials that you may be facing now or in the future. God knows your heart and is with all of you. Thank you Father for the faith shown by my brothers and sisters that You are truly our Father the God of all creation whose power is undeniable. I pray peace over all Father and that a wall of protection be wrapped around each one of them and their families. Bless them in ways Father that their eyes will see and their ears will hear what it is You will them to experience. Keep them strong in their prayers and strong in their faith and protect them from the evil one. For Your will is to be done by us here on earth just as if we were in heaven with you. You give us the power to live in Your grace. I thank you Lord.
Amen..Amen
Thank you to all who are joining me in this and other prayers. Today, as only God can do, I went from being an anxious nilly willy to becoming what has to be the most blessed person at LCI.
Loving in Christ
Patti

Personal and Private

I am so happy to be home. I was not surprised however that apprehension arose. In Katy I was buffeted somewhat from the 'norms" of my life. It was WONDERFUL to see my Barry. I wish he was home for good. However I am thankful for his job and know all has a purpose. This walk would be less fearful I believe if he were home. As a friend said in one of his emails to pray-ers.... "Patti is having to depend totally on God, which is a good thing." It was while talking to Barry and making decisions about how to handle my treatment dates that I realized just how private and personal this breast cancer is. No matter how loud I shout it, how much I share it in a blog, no matter how many people talk to me, no matter how many people are going through it now or have gone through it..... it remains a very personal and private event. All helps to each different degrees and I'm thankful and blessed for the opportunities. The fact that I have to depend on someone(s) to transport me to Houston for a treatment that will have me bald in a two to three weeks and sporting black/grey fingernails that will most likely fall off is not something that is easily shared with anyone... not even my husband. ( I was told by Dr. Murray that the chances of baldness and fingernail ailments are 100%) Okay... enough fiddle playing right? God is telling me to get over myself. He will walk with me and carry me when needed. He hasn't let me down yet and I have no reason to think He will ever let me down. Leslie Steele, my daughter in-law, came to our house while I was away and did an excellent job "spiffing" it up for me. It was a breath of  fresh air. I asked her if she would drive me over to M.D. Anderson for my first treatment and she graciously agreed. I owe her and many many others a debt that I can only repay by paying it forward and by praying blessings over their lives in God's name with whom all is possible.
Love all
Patti

Next?

  Finally today came and tests were completed with a wonderful result... negative bone scan and chest x-rays!!! Alleluia. Dr. Murray did not yet have the results of the CT scan and will get in touch with me next week. He said if I don't hear from him all is good.
Walking through M.D. Anderson is like nothing I have ever experienced. Every person you meet, no matter what their station is at this facility, looks you in the eye and smiles and aknowledges you. I'm talking about every housekeeper, nurse, doctor, clerk, cafeteria worker, guard, volunteer, etc. It's remarkable. Nobody is looking down. Most places, especially busy places like a hospital,, people are running hither and yonder and do not take the time to look at the person(s) they are passing in the hallway. M.D. Anderson, although as busy as a mall at Christmas time, hosts people that show they have hearts for their fellow human beings. What a wonderful place to land. Not one time did I hear any patient, and there are hundreds upon hundreds in the waiting rooms with me, mention anything about Friday the 13th. Even the most advanced patients have hope in their eyes. My heart wrenched for the pain and suffering I saw all around me yet knew that God has His eyes on each and every one of them.
    Dr. Murray held back no punches when telling me of the side effects I will have while taking the chemotherapy. On our way back to Katy, 5 minutes after leaving M.D. Anderson, I found silent tears rolling down my face when talking to Dolores about shaving my head to avoid dealing with clumps falling out. I was ready to do it right then and there. We talked about it and knew it to be an emotional Patti talking and that I had a couple of weeks to make this decision. Surgery to place the medi port in my chest and the first chemo treatment is scheduled for January 26th. (90% chance that the chemo will begin on that date pending bloodwork that was sent off.) At a stop light she held me and said a thankful prayer for the good news of the tests. Talk about ground me fast!!! So much for my pity party.
   I am thankful that Barry is on his way home as I type and will be there when I arrive tommorrow afternoon. There are decisions and information that I must share with him. I am thankful that I will get to spend time with mom, Holly, and my grandkids Sunday to celebrate my twin grandson's 12th birthdays that were on the 10th and my 56th which is on Sunday. What a blessing this will be!!!
  Being upset about the side effects I am to face shamed me in light of the great news I received about the bone scan!!! (Dolores' prayer set that in motion.)I realize it is human but asked myself out loud: If I was willing to give control to God and total trust to God with my test results....then why am I making such a fuss about being bald? Why was I worried about the other side effects? Again, reminding me of just how fickle I can be when faced with fear. I thank Him for His grace and forgiveness of all my human weaknesses. He is here now with me just as He has always been and I am so so happy for His prescence.
   Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. Be patient with me as I am learning to be patient with myself.
Love
Patti

Dolores, my friend through thick and thin

Final Countdown....

of the week. Today my eyes opened with the sight of FRIDAY. When working this day was a bright day for me as well. A time of rest, recuperation, fun, and time with church friends and family. Today, it still rings true. This Friday is the last of this series of tests ending with a doctor report about results. At the end of the day today, I'm heading back to Dolores' home, my new home, for a good night's rest. Then Saturday I'm off to Orange where I will see my honey, Barry, who is coming home for the weekend....the only weekend they are not working....my birthday weekend....my after tests weekend.... the weekend we celebrate with my grandkids, my daughter, and my mom.....See God's fingerprints here?? I sure do love Our Father.... and it's this love that remains constant through the valleys and the pinnacles. You see, He and I have a perfect understanding; He will love me no matter what and I choose to love Him no matter what. It's a win win situation especially during final countdown times.
Loving and thanking you all for prayers of the faithful...for those are the ones He answers.
Patti
P.S. Dolores and I are wearing matching pink Hope, Faith, Support - t - shirts today. Tacky?? Perhaps. Do we care what others think?? Absolutely not. We are both bold in the word and bold in our actions!!!

Scabbers - My cat

I was told that when I start treatment I and have the surgery I may want to bring something that is of comfort with me....like teddy bear...favorite blanket...etc. Well, let me know if anyone has any ideas of how to bring this source of comfort with me..... I thought of stuffing but then thought NOT.
Loving all

18 pound of pure useless kitty!!!! My love!!! (Next to Barry of course.)

Patti

All About Him

Lying on the examination table, between two heated blankets no less, awaiting for the results of one of the two biopsies performed I had... yes you guessed it... an O-FROG moment. (I apologize if I am redundant with this phrase but it speaks volumes to me so please bare with me.) The doctor who did the biopsies informed me that she would have the results of the lymph node procedure in a few minutes. The biopsy of the lymph node was an impromtu decision after the ultrasound revealed a "concern" in a lymph node under my right arm. (The same side as the cancerous breast.) The O-FROG - Opportunity to FULLY Rely on God appeared as a surprise to me. I found myself lying there wondering if I had prayed hard enough..... did I give enough time to the scripture.... did I do this... did I do that... .should I have done more of this..... less of that.....etc. When it hit me: All the God moments in my life are not a result of the "how muchs'" I do or the "how hard I do something" etc. I questioned myself right then and there whether or not I believed with ALL my heart and with EVERY CELL in my body, that He had healed me. I recalled a phrase I read in the book Marilyn Crim had given me that said, "You cannot reap healing from a seed of doubt." BUT, I can reap healing from a seed of faith. Right then and there I told satan in a LOUD voice - Leave me alone. I choose to give God control not you. I choose to reap from the seed of faith not doubt. Then I asked God to crush satan and the self doubts that I let him plant inside of me. I prayed forgiveness for the doubt and found peace. It was only a couple of minutes later that the door opened, the young doctor walked in and broke the news. She said that the tests on the lymph node samples were negative. I sat straight up from that table and hugged her neck. She gave me such a tight hug in response and said that it is not often that she gets to give such good news. I gave all glory to God and she agreed. Do I need to tell you that I literally walked out of that examination room floating on air, went to my x-ray appointment - hugged the technicians giving God glory - then came back to Katy.
Is there pain in this procedure done today... yes... quite a bit for awhile afterwards. The pain reminds me that God worked His miracle today...again.
  By questioning whether or not I was doing enough... as if I needed more than faith... compromised me...not God. God is the same today, tomorrow, and forever. Allelluia. Please continue prayers for my bone scan and CT scans tomorrow....the last of the tests for now. Let's all stand in faith that God's only Son, Jesus IS the Great Healer, Physician, Councilor, Victor, Prince of Peace... and all we need is Him.
Thank you all for your faith in Christ's healing powers.
Love,
Patti

1:00 OFROG Call

I woke up this morning at 1:00 AM with the thought of "Is this for real?" After a second or two I realized that I am in fact facing a tyrant that plays havock with a body. I pray...and pray with anticipation that God will continue to place peace in my heart and heal my body. One of the first scriptures I memorized was from Joshua; "Hath I not commanded you; Be strong and good in faith: Do not be dismayed or afraid. God is with you everywhere you go."
Facing the countdown to finding out whether or not the cancer has spread. God be with me as I finish these gammet of tests and place on my heart the mustard seed of faith needed to move mountains. As you have promised in Mark; Saith to the mountain, be removed and cast thou into the sea. If said with belief, true belief in the heart, then it shall be done. All things will be answered when asked for in true belief.
Amen. Father God.. Amen

Tests and God's Fingerprints

This morning was my first "solo" flight at M.D. Anderson. Getting there at 5:47 AM. (Funny how everything in "Cancer World" at M.D. Anderson is to the exact minute.) Not a bad thing for someone like me who has been known as "Sparkle Sparkle" cause I do not always organize my thoughts well. Everything went well. I had to sign the papers that made me an "official" clinical trial patient. I haven't been told if that comes with a trophy or not. Hmmm. I was given several copies of New Testament pamphlets from church that I was going to use to hand out at our soup kitchen. As things happened, I never got around to it. Well, I now have these "gifts" spread all over the 5th floor of the Mays Breast Clinic for anyone and everyone to pick up and read during any down time. From what I am experiencing, the down time is more for the family than for the patient. I see many family members camped out on couches/recliners sleeping. Some were there when I got there and still there when I left. My dear friend Dolores will be doing that Friday. Friday is the last of the tests for this week and the doctor should have the report on lymph nodes, heart, and other organs.
Jai, (pronoucned like Jay) is the clinical study coordinator and she informed me today that they are making an exception to the "norm" by allowing me to participate because two other patients had agreed to join the trial and they were limited to only accepting two. She said that Dr. Murray and she decided to press forward with me as a candidate. Again....God's fingerprints. Wow.
Barry is in constant contact with me and is in good spirits. He is forever supportive in prayer and words. I miss him beyond words and hope to see him the weekend after next. All is good. All is well. All in His time.
Prayers are still being answered and I am so thankful to all of you.
Love,
Patti

Up and Running...

Well.... maybe "running" is bit of a strong word at 4 in the morning. I'm up and.....thinking about running. Yes.. that's better. Not running away but running towards my first big day of testing, probing, prodding, cold hands, cold machines,.... In the elevator on my first day, January 5, 2012, going up to the clinic which is to become my new home for awhile, I met one of the cutest little 2 year old boys that I have ever seen. On either side of him stood his grandparents holding tightly to his hands. He had on the cutest little beret that matched his smokey grey eyes. As the elevator opened he confidently stepped out dragging grandpa and grandma behind him. Besides my noticing just how cute a young boy he was, I noticed that at 2 years old, he knew where he was going in this clinic....it was obvious he had been there many times before. As he turned back to make sure his escorts were with him, it was clear by his stature and the serious look on his face, he was no longer a 2 year old child. He was missing the impish look of toddler boy who got his hands caught in the cookie jar. There was no giggly face of a child riding in an elevator and pressing buttons. I prayed for that young boy right then and there and continue to pray for all the young children afflicted by this terrible invasion to their bodies. As Dolores and I got to my staging area, one could not help but notice how many women of all nationalities, all ages, all sizes, were waiting...waiting... waiting...... Family members praying over a meal together, husbands napping in the chairs waiting for their wives, sons and daughters working on puzzles waiting for their mom, ...mothers waiting for their daughters.
As I leave this morning to be among this, my new family, I realize that I now am not an outsider looking in...observing. I am a family member, not by choice, but a family member still the same. God saw fit to adopt me, undeserved, to include me in His family to become an heir to His kingdom... He accepts me just the way I am. Funny how it works that I am once again being adopted into a family, undeserved, where I am constantly finding and seeing glory. Yeah. Actually, now, I am up and running. Thank you God for giving me this venue to speak to cyber space and I ask that you bless these words that they may find a home in someone's heart that may be going through difficulty. I lift up all the people in my new adopted family. You know them by names just as you know the name of each star in the sky because you created us. I pray for their comfort, peace, healing, and to feel the arms of Your love envelope them as they make their own individual walks. I pray for their families that they have an understanding that in all things You are the Great Physician and Victor over all. Thank you Father...Thank you Abba..Amen..Alleluia..Amen

O-F.R.O.G.

Today found me using the term O- FROG. O pportunity to F ully, F aithfully, and F orver , R ely On  G od. I received news this morning that I was accepted into the clinical trial for treatment of my cancer. Although technically this is great news, it carries with it some O-FROG items; 1. My being accepted into the clinical verifies that I do in fact have the triple negative aggressive type cancer that does not respond well to "normal" treatment since that is the only ones they will allow in this program. 2. The experimental drug I'll be taking can pose harm to other vital organs in my body. 3. The side effects of the new drug will ride along side the effects of the standard chemo which conjors up all sort of demons in my head. The fear of how others will see me as my body goes through such changes....the fear of not being able to do my job as needed......the fear of how this illness will effect my family and friends....the fear of what ifs....the fear of what if nots.... the fear....the fear.... Had it not been for the prayers of my brothers and sisters that were answered in many ways including leading me to scripture in the phenomenal book given to me by Marilyn Crim, Christ the Healer, and healing and strengthening scripture through emails all these fears would have sucked me under. By the grace of God through the Holy Spirit that lives in me and the answers to all the faithful prayers, the fear did not make it into my heart. It parked in my mind a little while then exited through one of my ears. Understanding the God knows I have fears because I came from dust, stops me from beating myself up when fear does invade my mind. He made me... He knows it's human to fear... He also knows my heart and the heart of all who love Him and He comforts my heart with His words found in scripture. Thank you Father for the blessing of Your Word, left here as food and drink for all who seek. I praise You and glorify You and pronounce unashamed my love for You. Amen...Amen

My Mom - Pat

In the Still of the Night

Night time seems to always be the most difficult time during the season of cancer. I wonder if it's like this for everyone who goes through this. I know I speak to God almost every minute of the day but somehow I want to speak louder at night; almost like I think He needs me to wake Him up. Goofy thought huh? (Rhetorical question as will most all questions be while I'm posting.) I miss Barry terribly but know that, like my pink toenail polish,  it will slowly fade and I'll be back in the pink again. God always comforts me. Being busy handling all the things that one doesn't even think about having to do in preparation for treatment, et.al, helps pass the day. Emails, prayers, texts, and thoughts are so appreciated and needed.
Barry is sounding much better the last few days. All that is the result of prayers as well.
I EVEN COOKED today for Dolores and David. See...miracles do happen.
Loving all and missing all,
Patti

God's Fingerprints

Last Thursday, while running through the hoops at M.D. Anderson for my initial appointments, I was carrying with me the radiology films and DVDs of all my mammograms and biopsies. I was told by all concerned that I was to guard them with my life...no film... no appointment. I'd have to start the process all over again. Well, about 10:30 PM Thursday evening, I realized that I did not have the HUGE envelope containing the films. Emotions were high....quite high. I thank God that Dolores was here as she wrapped her arms around my sobbing shoulders and prayed for me. Cancer has a way of taking little tiny things and making them huge in my mind. I called these HUGE events... melt downs...episodes. I was looking for something else to call them...something unique to me. That is when a dear friend in Christ sent me the FROG  - Forever Rely on God. (Since I am a frog collector in my classroom - fake..not real, I thought this fitting.) She also said to look at these FROG moments as opportunities to grow and to minister to others from my growth. So... these events...once known as melt downs and/or episodes... are O-FROGs. Opportunities to Forever Rely on God.
   Back to the lost films.... if I may: Several emails and panicky phone calls later to M. D. Anderson, I made a trip down to the clinic, paid the $15 parking, and 30 minutes later walked out empty handed. On my way back to Dolores' home, it hit me.... I'm $15 poorer, physically and mentally fried, and God wanted me to trust in Him. He asked me, "Are you ready to let go of this now?"
   This morning, Monday, I received a call from Cathy Brown saying these exact words, "Mrs. Steele. This is Cathy Brown, Dr. Murray's nurse. I wanted to tell you that when I walked in this morning the envelope containing all your films were sitting on my desk. I have no idea how they got there." I laughed and told her that I knew exactly how they got there and if she looked real close she'd see God's fingerprints left behind. I told her that He was waiting to see just how long it would take me to let go. LOL. HE is always working in the circumstances. I love Him so deeply.
He was preparing me for this trip for few years when He turned me to face Him and put the hunger in me for a relationship with Christ. Without this relationship, I could never have even thought about surviving this path laid out before me. Alleluia. Thank you Father.

Pink- My New Favorite Color

Funny how a little thing like cancer can alter perspectives. I would not have thought to put hot pink polish on my toenails much less think that I would be able to find a smile and sometimes a belly laugh just by looking at them. It is a reminder that this cancer, my trial, like the toenail polish...is not permanent. It will fade away. Hmmm. God's fingerprints at work.

Rainbow and Kittens- January 9,2012

I just had to share the fact that since my diagnosis I have been blessed to be able to see TWO completed formed rainbows. Yet another of many past, present, and future signs of God's fingerprints in my life. I praise Him and give all glory to Him, the One and only creator of heaven and earth and all that inhabits both. Wish I had a picture of this one here in Katy to share with ya'll. Better yet, I hope it appears for you today wherever you are!!!

The Path Before Me

My  messages to all of you in the future should not be this wordy. I just wanted to let you all know how this all began so please bear with me. I love you all and your prayers are answered minute by minute and day by day. THANK YOU!!!

• Lying in bed, Sunday, December 18th, preparing to continue my study of Romans 8 with Alistair Begg, (No!!! He was not literally in bed with me!!!) I found myself shifting  over on my side to get a better view of the little DVD player I use to view the lessons. I felt a "twinge" in my right breast near the breast bone. I reached for the spot that hurt and felt a large hard knot. I had implants the year before so thought that perhaps something was askew. I laid on flat on my back, felt the area again, and knew that this wasn't the case. I had Barry, my husband, feel that spot to be sure it wasn't my imagnination. The look on his otherwise cautious face said it all. It was not a figment of my imagnination. Looking back to that evening I couldn't say for sure if I felt a panic or not. I did know that I wanted to call the doctor first thing Monday morning and see if I could get in to see him.

I was able to get in to see the Nurse Practioner Tuesday, December 20th - had an ultrasound that morning - was called in to see her that afternoon for the report that it was in fact a "mass" that was the size of a golf ball. (I had a mammogram the year before and it was clear.) This raised a flag for both Barry and I and we just kept thinking that it had to be related to the implants. We both knew different in our hearts because of the suddeness and where it was located.
Wed. - December 21 Barry and I were in a surgeon's office in Beaumont - Friday- December 23rd - I had a mammogram - and an ultrasound led biopsy of my right breast. Immediately after the tests, we were ushered to the film viewing room and was shown the "mass" and the spots they took the biopsy. I was told that they suspected foul play on my left breast as well. The radiologist told us that he suspected cancer in both breasts but definitely in the right breast. (By the way, that pink ribbon symbol represents a "marker" that they place on the tumor to let other doctors know that is where they retrieved the tissue samples.)
Monday, December 26th - The day after Christmas -  I was led to go to the M.D. Anderson website and begin the appointment making process.
 December 27th I received the call that altered many things in my life - I had Invasive Poorly Differentiated Ductal Carcinoma- the most common type of breast cancer.
December 29th - I had the biopsy of my left breast and was told that I had the Triple Negative cancer which is the most aggressive and the most difficult to treat. Barry and I were given the survial statistics and I remember looking at Barry then back at this radiologist and asking him if he just gave me a death sentence. The radiologist said that he just wanted me to know that this was a difficult cancer and more often than not, a reoccuring cancer.
December 30th - I saw an oncologist in Beaumont - was given the same diagnosis but was told that it can be treated successfully if the cancer is isolated and not spread.
January 4, 2012 - Barry left for an out of town job that will last 5 months. :(
January 5, 2012 - My first appointment at M.D. Anderson - tests are scheduled for the week of January 9-13th.

As it stands now: If I get accepted into the clinical trial (Insurance has to approve) I will be receiving chemotherapy 1 x a week for 3 months here in Houston (as an I. V.) along with taking an oral medicine that is normally used as the "last" chance effort. I will be receiving the "standard" treatment with an added medicine so either the new meds work or it doesn't but I will still be getting the same treatment as I would normally.
After the first phase of the treatment I'll begin the second phase which is 1 x every 3 weeks for 3 months. (Another I.V.)

Of course the side effects include what we all know: hair loss, nausea, fatigue,and others that I won't mention here.

I was fighting fatigue since March- April of 2011 and the doctor's linked it to the then undetected cancer. I am fighting the fatigue at this time. Other than that, I am doing well. I do a little, rest.... do a little...rest.

At another posting I will share the miracles that have been happening and how God has been leaving His fingerprints all over this situation. I am blessed to be able to stay here in Katy with my dearest friend Dolores who if any of you know me, know of her as she is a constant in my life and has been for 30 plus years.(Her husband David puts up with me.:) )

Thank you for your prayers and understanding. As Kenzie, a young girl at our church sent in an email today, "Miss Patti, when mom told me you had cancer I knew that it was okay because God is taking care of you and that you will be fine." She put into an email what God put on Barry's and my heart in the beginning. I am already healed.... I only have to walk the Path Before Me. I am not alone... I have Our Father God and all the saints that He has lined up along the way for me. What a glorious glorious day to praise the Lord.